Hola Chicos! Part 2

After yesterday's cliffhanger, I'm sure you're all dying to hear about our new Come-Hither-Latin-Lover, Jesús (with an accent), but I think I'm going to have to keep you in suspense just a little bit longer.

First, I forgot to mention that while we were happy to be in a kid-free environment (you know us Hoerls- we don't like having to monitor our salty talk), we did meet a very stressed out toddler who we think is a certifiable genius. Julie and I were minding our own business in the San Francisco airport when, lo and behold, a little person starts crying. This is not shocking- this is what the little people do. What came next actually blew our minds- Jr.'s mom starts waving a MAP of the United States and suddenly this two-year old is in a trance. He grabs the map, walks over to us, and starts naming AND pointing at all the states. ALL of them, even Delaware. Even Rhode Island. Amazed by this kind of smarts, we tried to trick the child, of course, but he simply could not be stumped. He could even name and locate all the states starting with M- try it. There are a lot of them. We could then understand why he was so stressed out- that's A LOT of knowledge for a baby to be carrying around.

Now, here are just a few more highlights to share before we get to the main event:

-Dance parties all the time. This is basically my dream come true, especially when La Banda Imperial is on the stage. During these dance parties, no one can sit still- Mom, Dad, and Nancy were so overcome by our amazing moves that they too had to join in the fun. Nancy even got pulled onto the stage on Boogie Night, and Mom was a very popular dance partner for the Entertainment staff (but more on that later).

Please don't be alarmed that Pops and Paul are so extremely sweaty in these pictures- we all were completely disgusting (and excited!), but Dad and Paul were lucky enough to get the fruits of their "Moves Like Jagger" captured on film. We ruled that dance floor. Every. Single. Night.

-On the way home from one of these dance parties, nature was kind enough to give us a shower. Suddenly, and without warning, the sky opened up and dumped all of its water on us. Luckily, we were hot and sweaty, it was the only time it rained the whole week, AND we were able to do an awesome rain dance.

-Dinner at the Japanese restaurant, where we were treated to a Benihana-style Tepanyaki show. It was all you can hope for in Japanese show cooking: piles of meat and shrimp, and a chef that kept meowing to entertain us. Plus, Nancy exclaimed at the end of the meal that she could not longer feel her forehead, which we attribute to either too much sake or a bad piece of tofu. Luckily, it was only temporary and extremely hilarious.

-Mad Libs: The World's Greatest Party Game. These always provide us with an endless amount of fun. Allow me to offer you a sample of our superior work: It's so much fun to go to the dumper. You can surf, swim, build sand ferns, and look for inner tubes. But what happens if you get caught in a sandstorm? You'll need the following advice to help keep the sand out of your chest hairs. First, wet an elegant sandal and place it over your backfat. Then rub some horsies on the inside of your nose to help keep it succulent...

You get the idea- we probably deserve a Pulitzer.

-Our fine work as stalkers. Let me lay it all out for you: At the Valentin Imperial Maya, there is a fabulous, nice, fun entertainment staff. On this staff, is an extremely good-looking, fine young thing named Jesús (with an accent). Once we laid eyes on Jesús, we decided we did not want to take our eyes OFF of Jesús ever again. So we didn't- hence, the stalking. We practiced our art form in three important ways:

a) Daily water aerobics with Mr. Jesús. As hard as we tried, we could never swim fast enough to stand next to him for the requisite hand-holding, massage portion of the workout, but Julie WAS always the first one to shout out his name at the end, so he definitely appreciated us.

b) If that wasn't enough to get us noticed, he certainly was aware that whenever he was standing by the pool or especially if he was in the pool, we were stationed in the water nearby, parked in our inner tubes, drinks in hand, just watching the magic happen.

c) And if he STILL didn't know how COOL we were, one evening after a productive three margarita happy hour, Julie showed off her Spanish skills by yelling HOLA! to the passersby. She greeted Jose, but no one actually knows who that was, and then something magical happened: Jesús walked by. Hola Jesús!

We were 99% sure that Jesús was gay as May (no straight man can possibly be that pretty), but in the end we think he actually may just be kind of a tool. Nonetheless, he is a fine, fine specimen, and stalking him led us to our new friend, Josue, and the #1 greatest memory of Mexico.

(drumroll, please)

-Josue (the boss of the entertainment staff, whose most memorable quote is "Mr. Angry Guy!" I won't explain because I guarantee it won't be funny, but just believe me, it was hilarious at the time. Right, Sis?). We got to know Josue quite well, culminating with his challenging Mom to a Cosmopolitan-making contest and then inviting her to take over the poolside bar! After our "cooking lesson" (guacamole = delicious) with Josue, we started chatting him up. We learned some key info (like that fact that Jesús may be dreamy, but is, in fact, a bit of a tool), and attempted to explain the love triangle between Paul, Eric, and I. My dear, sweet Paul got a bit done in by the cocktails that Josue kept shoving in his face, but once Josue poured a Cosmo that was the color of Kool-Aid, Mom laid down the gauntlet, and history was made.

During Mom's reign at the bar, Josue continued to force cocktails on poor Paul, and also managed to consume four, yes FOUR, of Mom's Cosmos. This a feat never before known to man. She also shared her famous concoction with another handsome Valentin entertainer, Christian, and our new friends, Carrie and Ryan, from Michigan.

Needless to say, Mom's turn as bartender made our whole family very popular with the staff. After four Cosmos, Josue managed to not only run the Crazy Game for the day (in which Eric made the second round), but he also dominated the dance floor with all seven of us much later that night. The next day, Josue told us he was a bit "thirsty" but that it had been the most fun he'd ever had at work. Who knows if it's true, but I guarantee you that it was the most Sherry Hoerl Cosmos anyone will ever drink. And, it was a pretty unforgettable way to end our trip.

Then it was all over- in a flash, we were headed home and are back to real life (which is A LOT less fun, I have to say). It was an incredible trip and we're already saving our pennies so we can go back. How about next week? What do you say, guys? But seriously, thanks to the best Mom and Dad- we'll never forget it. Happy anniversary- we love you!

PS- Familia! Am I forgetting anything? There was so much hilarity, I may not have gotten it all. Put it in the comments, amigos!

Hola chicos! Part 1

Luckily for you, there is something that can bring me back from The Outer Darkness of No Blogging after all: The Hoerl-Vierhaus-Staroba Invasion of Mexico 2012. I've been in Orlando for a conference for the past few days, so while I was able to ease back into reality by experiencing The Most Magical Place on Earth, the rest of the clan has been facing the harsh light of, you know, actual life after a perfect week in paradise.

To celebrate Mom and Dad's 35th anniversary, Julie, Paul, Nancy, Eric and I joined them at an adults-only, all-inclusive resort in Playa del Carmen called the Valentin Imperial Maya. This resort was perfect for us because:

a) everyone at the resort left their babies at home- which we were especially glad about after the kid walking in front of us blew (a lot of) chunks the moment he stepped off the plane in the Cancun airport. Yeah, that actually happened.

b) an adults-only resort is perfect for romance, and if there's one thing everyone thought of when they saw the seven of us prancing around that hotel, it was romance.

c) we don't like to do a lot thinking or math on vacation, so it's better if everything is included so we don't have to make any important decisions and never have to calculate a tip in pesos.

Mother Nature cooperated and sent neither snow nor sleet nor trembling earth our way and we all arrived in Cancun last Saturday without incident, gratefully accepting our welcome cocktail and settling into our new routine of resort luxury living.

Except for Paul.

In true New York travel style, Paul had to wait 1 million years for a subway, had to jump in a cab to chase down a bus at 2 am, arrived at the airport before it was actually open, and then took off in a plane that had to turn back because it was having mechanical difficulties. THEN when he finally arrived in Mexico, he had to sit on a bus for a couple of hours until there were enough other people to make it worth a trip to the hotels. And THEN when he finally got to the hotel, they didn't believe that he was actually supposed to be a guest there, since he didn't make the wild guess that the reservation was actually listed under the name of "Julie Hoerl, Paul." By the time we got there, he was completely crazed and in need of 5-6 cocktails and a huge platter of various meats, both of which he was able to find within our first hour at the Valentin

Now the scene is set, so without further ado, here are the top memories of Mexico 2012 (mostly in no particular order):

-On our first night, we saw the Fire Show on the beach. Basically, it was a bunch of nearly naked dudes doing some sexy dances with burning sticks. We thought this was the best possible way to kick off the vacation until the BEACH DANCE PARTY after the Fire Show began. Best. Time. Ever. We danced the night away on the soft white sand to an amazing band- we may or may not have caused a huge scene with our awesome moves, but we clearly didn't care since we caused the same scene almost every other night of the trip. Dancing to La Banda Imperial was a frequent, and favorite, activity.

-Three words: Open Concept Bathroom. Three more words: Mashed Potato Bath. Five Words: Chicken WIngs. In The Bath. Put 'em all together and what do you get? An EPIC first night in Mexico.

Allow me to explain: One of the major romantic features of the Valentin is the Open Concept Bathroom (OCB). This, of course, was the subject of much anticipation leading up to the trip and the reality of the OCB did not disappoint. Paul and Julie's room epitomized the concept. The tub was basically in the same room as the bed, with the shower, toilet, and bidet situated directly behind, shielded modestly by (clear) doors. So romantic for Paul and Julie!

The brochure for the Valentin features a couple very much enjoying their OCB, including a soak in a bath tub that is seemingly overflowing with mashed potatoes. Obviously, Paul, Julie, Eric, and I made it our mission to re-create this delicious, decadent, romantic experience. I'm happy to report that we were successful, and also had our own "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas moment" when we ordered late-night room service and indulged in some pizza and chicken wings, while sitting in our very own mashed potato bath. I'm fairly certain the four of us could have gone home the next day satisfied that Mexico had delivered.

-Joseph, the shy iguana that enjoyed sunning himself on top of our cabana and occasionally fell off the roof if he leaned too far to catch a bug or to perform his sun salutations. We also made acquaintances with many other friendly lizards, including Harry and Rick, who liked to pass through our cabana on their daily strolls.

-Lunch, at the service of Jorge, who decided we looked like a crowd that needed to be livened up. We were treated to a round of Tequlia Popper shots, complete with a napkin hat and/or another (often "adults-only") napkin prop. Look out, Strietelmeiers! We have some new ideas for the contest next Christmas!

-Hornitos margaritas, banana coladas, champagne for every meal, mudslides, mojitos, cuba libres, cervezas, dacquiris...you get the idea. These came in unlimited supply, and often from a swim up bar in a very lovely and warm pool. It really doesn't get any better that that....

-...except when these fine libations were delivered by our new bestie, Teresa! She is a tiny little cocktail waitress with a heart of gold and the cutest bounce in her step. We LOVE Teresa and (we think) she was at least somewhat entertained by Julia, Pablo, Eric, Rebecca, Sherry, Nancy, and Don Bond (El Jefe) and our attempts at conversational Spanish. Julie (Julia) and Paul (Pablo) originally planned to make our first espanol question for her be "Me llamo Julia! Que es su colore favorito?" (I'm Julie! What is your favorite color?). That might have been awkward, and also weird, especially with Joseph the Iguana peering down at us from his rooftop tanning booth.

-The ocean, of course! Some of us (I won't mention names) are quite afraid of the ocean due to the ever-present possibility of fish, jellyfish, or eels. Upon careful inspection, we happily discovered this ocean contained none of the above so we went wild! Although the waves knocked us over most days, forcing us back to the safety of our poolside cabana where a fresh drink was waiting, we spent plenty of time frolicking in the surf.

-Dinner at the French restaurant L'Alsace (or LOL Sauce, colloquially). This restaurant was promised as the best dining at the resort, and boy, did it deliver. Our food was extremely delicious, especially the butter for the bread. Not even kidding. Everything else was good too, don't worry. To add to our delight, a pianist was tinkling the ivories with our favorite lounge renditions of all the Broadway hits. THEN, when Julie ordered dessert (for the table to share) she selected two baked alaskas, one chocolate mousse and one cheesecake. The waiter wrote it down and turned, in complete seriousness, to Nancy and asked "and what will you be having?" From that point on, we knew we could order four of everything and no one would blink an eye, so we assumed we'd actually died and gone to heaven. To top it all off, at the very moment that the waiter lit the baked Alaska on fire in a dramatic flourish, the pianist launched into the theme from Phantom of the Opera. SO PERFECT. Paul was convulsing with so much excitement, I was sure I'd have to lay him under the table until he calmed himself.

I think that's enough for installment one- just you wait, the best is yet to come. Hint: it involves a very handsome, very tan, very blue-eyed, and very charming young man named Jesús (with an accent, just so we're clear).

Hasta luego, amigos!