Safety First

Yesterday, the City of New York graced my office building with a brand new emergency action plan-- an 84 page missive outlining every possible dangerous situation and the various scenarios we should enact, should such catastrophes occur. We now have detailed instructions for everything "biological incidents or releases" to "nuclear incidents or releases" to "natural disaster" to "suspicious packages." We also now have no remaining questions about where the elevators and stairs are or what might happen if the power goes out.

But my personal favorite is the "Telephone Bomb Threat Checklist," or what I think would be more appropriate titled "How to Converse With a Very Courteous Bomber." Here are the highlights:

(Before we begin, it's very important to remember to have this paper in front of you if you answer the phone and it's a bomb threat. So, the first thing on the checklist should be to say "Excuse me for one moment I need to get my bomb threat checklist. Please hold.")

Ok, now this is all for real (unless I HAVE to interject with a witty addition- in italics, of course.)

REMEMBER: KEEP CALM. (it's only a bomb threat, after all.) DO NOT GET EXCITED OR EXCITE OTHERS. KEEP CALLER ON THE PHONE AS LONG AS POSSIBLE. DO NOT HANG UP FIRST! (I mean, really, why would you hang up the phone as fast as you can and run as far away as you possibly could?)

Exact words of caller (please ask to repeat if you don't get it the first time):

Questions to be asked:

Time bomb is going to explode?
Where is it located?
What kind of bomb is it?
What does it look like? How does it work? Can you teach me how to make that? Where did you receive your training?
What will cause it to explode?
Did you place the bomb? Why? Are you in therapy?
Where are you calling from?
What is your address?
What is your name?
And can I get your social security number, while I'm at it?

Description of caller- check all that apply:
Loud, Rough, Pleasant, Intoxicated, Fast, Slurred, Lisp, Squeaky, Nasal, Irrational, Deliberate, Giggling etc. etc.

And, if you get too scared and have to run away, please ask the caller to call back and leave this information on your voicemail. Thank you.


And remember, safety is not a joke.