Heaps and Losses

I go through the motions of being a grown up every day: I get up early now. Eat breakfast. Make a huge pot of coffee to fuel my 14 hour day. Go to work and sit in front of a computer for 8 hours. Then, theoretically in this proverbial grown up land, I would get to return home. Do some exercise. Eat some dinner. Perhaps go see a concert or an opera that are playing in abundance only steps away from my doorstep. And then go to sleep.

But the thing is, I have so much more to do than that. My days don't end with work. They don't even end with the extra things I would love to be doing like singing in a choir or volunteering or reading or going to be cultured at one of the 10000 cultural institutions in this city. I have to go to school to learn to be a part of those institutions. To learn to lead them and make them thrive. But I ask you- how am I supposed to immerse myself in this world if I don't have the time or the energy to be a part of it?

This whole working+school thing= WAY HARD. I'm still just chugging away like the little engine that could, but it is tough to not have any time during the day to get anything done, then to come home at 10 and be completely tired. I know these few weeks are going to be the worst because of the ridiculous amount of finals I have. And, by the way, group projects should be banned. Period.

So about real life...

Christmas is everywhere and I just keep trying to be able to take it all in. I saw the treelighting in Lincoln Center, and it was a little too Disney for me, but the tree is beautiful, and makes you feel like you should feel all warm and fuzzy inside even if you're too busy sweating because it's humid and not cold at all, worrying because you have too much to do, and wondering why it's been Christmas for 2 weeks and it's only November 29. I just keep looking at all the twinkling lights and red Starbucks cups and hoping that the spirit of Christmas will come upon me as suddenly as it did on New York, and I have to say that I'm still waiting. I'm hoping the secret recipe for getting Christmas spirit will be a reduction of stress with every project I complete, a christmas tree filling up the whole apartment, and some nice eggnog and Christmas cookies.

So about loss...

Eric's grandpa died today. And I really don't know how to be a grown up this time. I'm doing everything I can to be there for him, but there are some things that are so impossible, so sad, so heartbreaking to even begin to know what "being there" means. And the really hard thing is that I can't even go with him to the funeral this weekend to be with his family, because I can't get off work because it's not my family. And I could go on and on about why it's not my family yet, but that's not really all that important right now. What's important is that because I'm busy pretending to be a grown up at this real job, I can't be with the other part of my grown up life when he really needs me.

The longer I'm here- living the life...on my own...making my way...- I realize that nothing is easy anymore. No decision is made uncompromised. No moment can really be taken without a thought to the next. That gets really tiring, but I guess there's a certain beauty to that. It forces you to hold on to the moments when things are clear- like the moments when you do get to spend time with someone you care about, actually make time to talk to an old friend on the phone, are passed around on the phone to every member of your family as they eat a Thanksgiving you don't get to be a part of because you're a grown up now, look up and see the Empire State building when you finish running along the Hudson River... These moments bring clarity to the others that bring you down.

I guess it's cliche and trite to feel an outpouring of love and gratitude when something tragic happens to someone else. But, I don't really care. I am grateful for my family, and I hope that everyone knows that there is truly not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I was there with you, and that I knew how to show how much I love you. I am grateful for my friends who put up with me even though I am quite possibly the worst person at keeping in touch ever. For those that call me in the hopes that I may return one in 10 phone calls, know that I am forever indebted to you, and someday I will return the favor. And for those who are almost as bad at keeping in touch as I am, I am grateful that you're still there. Even after months of not talking and miles of distance- you're there. And you're the same.

You are all my heart and my insides.
I guess you're my Christmas spirit.