Heaps and Losses

I go through the motions of being a grown up every day: I get up early now. Eat breakfast. Make a huge pot of coffee to fuel my 14 hour day. Go to work and sit in front of a computer for 8 hours. Then, theoretically in this proverbial grown up land, I would get to return home. Do some exercise. Eat some dinner. Perhaps go see a concert or an opera that are playing in abundance only steps away from my doorstep. And then go to sleep.

But the thing is, I have so much more to do than that. My days don't end with work. They don't even end with the extra things I would love to be doing like singing in a choir or volunteering or reading or going to be cultured at one of the 10000 cultural institutions in this city. I have to go to school to learn to be a part of those institutions. To learn to lead them and make them thrive. But I ask you- how am I supposed to immerse myself in this world if I don't have the time or the energy to be a part of it?

This whole working+school thing= WAY HARD. I'm still just chugging away like the little engine that could, but it is tough to not have any time during the day to get anything done, then to come home at 10 and be completely tired. I know these few weeks are going to be the worst because of the ridiculous amount of finals I have. And, by the way, group projects should be banned. Period.

So about real life...

Christmas is everywhere and I just keep trying to be able to take it all in. I saw the treelighting in Lincoln Center, and it was a little too Disney for me, but the tree is beautiful, and makes you feel like you should feel all warm and fuzzy inside even if you're too busy sweating because it's humid and not cold at all, worrying because you have too much to do, and wondering why it's been Christmas for 2 weeks and it's only November 29. I just keep looking at all the twinkling lights and red Starbucks cups and hoping that the spirit of Christmas will come upon me as suddenly as it did on New York, and I have to say that I'm still waiting. I'm hoping the secret recipe for getting Christmas spirit will be a reduction of stress with every project I complete, a christmas tree filling up the whole apartment, and some nice eggnog and Christmas cookies.

So about loss...

Eric's grandpa died today. And I really don't know how to be a grown up this time. I'm doing everything I can to be there for him, but there are some things that are so impossible, so sad, so heartbreaking to even begin to know what "being there" means. And the really hard thing is that I can't even go with him to the funeral this weekend to be with his family, because I can't get off work because it's not my family. And I could go on and on about why it's not my family yet, but that's not really all that important right now. What's important is that because I'm busy pretending to be a grown up at this real job, I can't be with the other part of my grown up life when he really needs me.

The longer I'm here- living the life...on my own...making my way...- I realize that nothing is easy anymore. No decision is made uncompromised. No moment can really be taken without a thought to the next. That gets really tiring, but I guess there's a certain beauty to that. It forces you to hold on to the moments when things are clear- like the moments when you do get to spend time with someone you care about, actually make time to talk to an old friend on the phone, are passed around on the phone to every member of your family as they eat a Thanksgiving you don't get to be a part of because you're a grown up now, look up and see the Empire State building when you finish running along the Hudson River... These moments bring clarity to the others that bring you down.

I guess it's cliche and trite to feel an outpouring of love and gratitude when something tragic happens to someone else. But, I don't really care. I am grateful for my family, and I hope that everyone knows that there is truly not a day that goes by that I don't wish that I was there with you, and that I knew how to show how much I love you. I am grateful for my friends who put up with me even though I am quite possibly the worst person at keeping in touch ever. For those that call me in the hopes that I may return one in 10 phone calls, know that I am forever indebted to you, and someday I will return the favor. And for those who are almost as bad at keeping in touch as I am, I am grateful that you're still there. Even after months of not talking and miles of distance- you're there. And you're the same.

You are all my heart and my insides.
I guess you're my Christmas spirit.

Impossible to recap

Too many things have happened in the last week to really summarize. My life is completely different now and it's so hard to believe still! Ok, get ready...

I GOT A REAL LIFE JOB!! Yes- a real big girl job for the first time ever! As nice as it would be to spend another year getting paid to watch tv and eat cookies, I've already realized that was some kind of utopia. So now I'm earning my keep! I'm the newest Member Services Associate at American Symphony Orchestra League. It's a service organization for orchestras of all sizes, and other nonprofit arts groups or businesses that work in the arts. Individuals can be members too. By the way, one of the first things I learned is to never refer to "THE LEAGUE" as ASOL because they think it's the most unfortunate acronym. That might be true...

So I mostly spend my days doing data entry now, but I think that will change...And I'm in a really great organization with some great people. So here I go! I'm still a little (ok actually a lot) nervous about how I'm going to finish all my finals, and let's not even talk about taking four classes again next semester...but I'm still excited, and I'll just brace myself for the challenge...

Ok so nothing else that's happened this week is actually all that exciting compared to that, but here's a run down:

Spent a good part of last weekend and week agonizing over whether to take the job, as well as being a ridiculous perfectionist about my marketing paper

Saw a really bad speaker giving us a lecture about Public Relations and the importance of speaking well and presenting yourself well when dealing with the press and our peers (ironic, yes?)

Went to a free fall banquet where I supposed to discuss the world's problems with my classmates, but we pretty much just rejoiced the fact we were missing our worst class and enjoyed the delicious food and large glasses of wine

Saw some friends (yes it's true, I have friends now) dance in a masters dance recital at NYU

Went to a bar for ANOTHER friend's birthday (this one I've had for a long time....I don't get any credit for that one) and had a gigantic martini and they even gave me a little pitcher of extra

Wondered why the entire city has turned into a Christmas wonderland. Ok, this is really great- I'll be the first to admit I'm a HUGE fan of Christmas. But I ask- has everyone forgotten that there's a holiday this week? A perfectly good one, that last time I checked had absolutely nothing to do with Christmas.

Had some delicious hot cider on the first cold day in a long time- finally! Forget this warm late fall- what's that even about?

Went to a really dirty Broadway show for absolutely free!

And now I just have to keep having this much fun AND do a lot of work AND get ready for the MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF THE YEAR!!

1. What just happened here?

So my week of no fun is going pretty well. I mean, it's actually a lot of work to have no fun, but it's already Friday and I've barely had an opportunity for fun, so now I just have to make it through the weekend and I'll have achieved my goal. I might allow a little fun actually. Don't judge. It's the weekend, come on!

A lot of opportunities have come up this week, and now I just don't know what to do. I actually got a part time job!! Hooray! I won't be making it rich quite yet, but I will come close to paying the rent, which certainly is a step in the right direction. I'll just be doing administrative work a couple of afternoons a week at a theater design company- right now it's pretty much on a temporary basis, but if things go well (which, let's be honest, we all should hope they do...) I might be able to add more hours or stay on permanently. I start next Tuesday and already have had some panic attacks about the holidays and asking for time off before I even start. I really really hate this growing up, real job thing- I think I'd prefer to go back to Freshman year, theory and sightsinging tests and Mentor and all... It was just a lot easier. The holidays should work out, but things are still a little up in the air.

I also have set up some interviews for internships which look pretty great. Yesterday I met with some people at Manhattan New Music Project. They started out as a vehicle for new music and composers, but have grown into a great arts education resource. They're in growing stages right now and have tons of ambitious and exciting projects on the horizon. If I did an internship there I wouldn't be paid (hard to imagine, I know- an unpaid job in the arts?) but I would be able to be really involved in projects with local schools, maybe develop a summer arts program, work on grant applications, research foundations, and help them build their fundraising database. Basically, it might be hard and really frustrating to work with such a small organization, but I would get valuable experience. Next week I'm meeting with the development director of MCC Theater. I don't know if that one's going to be quite as appealing, but it's good to have an interview I guess. So I think right now I'm starting to lean towards doing my internship next semester, just to start working and getting stuff going. Don't ask how I might balance 4 classes, an intership, a temp job, and a part time job. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

So it sounds like I'm starting to get stuff figured out right? WRONG. Just as I began making some decisions to do things this way, I got a call yesterday from ASOL about the job I interviewed for a few weeks ago. I still haven't actually spoken to anyone, because we've been playing phone tag, but in the message the Human Resources lady said she wanted to "have a conversation" with me. Um. Excuse me- what does that mean? But now I don't know what to do. I know that having a full time job would mean more stability than I have right now, and it would give Eric and I a chance to save some money. But now that I've started meeting these other people, I'm getting excited about internships and doing stuff that might ultimately be more valuable, even if it means scraping money together for another year. I really don't know how to weigh my decision. I guess first I should actually talk to ASOL, but I'm still a little stressed out about it.

So that brings me back to the original question- 1. What just happened here? A week ago, I had nothing happening. Now, in a week, I have 2 jobs, internship possibilities, and another job in the works. I guess when it rains, it pours.

Speaking of rain, the other day was HORRIBLENESS. I don't think I've ever been so soaked. And I had an umbrella and a coat and I was wet from head to toe. That's a little ridiculous if you ask me. Luckily it's sunny again. We'll see how long that lasts...

What do Broadway parties, Burp Castles, and gay parties in Chelsea have in common?

If you guessed my weekend, then DING DING DING! you're right! And if you guessed that the number one rule for this week is NO FUN ALLOWED then you're right again. There was way too much fun for one week last week- so this week if you catch me having any, definitely remind me that rules exist for a reason...

I can't believe I haven't written for a week- having too much fun I guess...Halloween was really intense. Can't say that I have a really strong desire to go back to the Village for Halloween. You literally could not move in the streets. You would try, but actually you would just stand there. There was a lot of people being crazy and having fun though, so I'm glad we experienced it at least once!

I got my first grad school grades this week- an A and a B+!! This inspires confidence. And fear. The pressure's on now...

On Thursday I was lucky enough to go to the Broadway opening night of Grey Gardens and it was one of the most ridiculous things I've ever done. I got dressed up in my fanciest outfit and went down to the theatah and everyone was taking pictures. Someone even took my picture because they said I was so so beautiful. It's true... The show was of course great and Paul got about a million presents (it's really great to be on Broadway I guess) and then we got to go to the fanciest party at the Boat House in Central Park (it doesn't really get a lot better than that). They chartered about 10 buses to take what I think was the entire theater to the restaurant. The party was packed- with food, drinks, and fancy people. I've never seen so many crab cakes, shrimp, steaks, or carrot cakes. And it was really amazing because when you would take something, it was like it was immediately magically replaced. Like when I took the last piece of carrot cake, as soon as I put the spatula back down, another cake was in its place. It was like Willy Wonka or something. We pretty much shut the party down and then had to figure out how to get out of Central Park in the middle of the night. And, yes, we walked in Central Park at night, which seemed to be the number one thing people told me not to do in New york. We survived.

Friday I had an internship event and met some cool people that I might do internships with. Or maybe not. We'll see. It's pretty intense when you throw about 100 people in a room and expect them to do nothing but network and eat cheese. Then I went out to an amazing restaurant with the girls from the program. I just love exploring the Village. There are so many neat places that I would never go to on my own. It's exciting that I could eat somewhere different every night and not get to every great restaurant. After that, we met our friend Scott (aka Hott) from college and went to a place in the East Village called the Burp Castle. It's completely true. Well it's the most fun bar EVER because you're not allowed to talk loudly in it! Perfect for me because I'm a loser who hates loud places!!! We pretty much shut the place down and didn't get home until almost 5. We are cuh-razyyyy New Yorkers now. We saw the craziest rat fight in the subway too. Those rats are nasty to each other.

So Saturday, because we had stayed out to all hours, was not the productive day it should have been...I did go to an AMAZING play with my group from my management classes at LAByrinth Theater. I haven't seen something so intense and wonderful in a while. AND I saw Kyra Sedgwick. With my own two eyes, I have finally seen a real live famous person. Just walking into the theater like a normal human. I guess she left Kevin Bacon at home that night. Of course we went out after and my weekend of foolishness continued. but again, I felt like an awesome New Yorker. There was a man on the subway who smelled worse than anything I've ever smelled in my whole life. We got on the car (which was empty except for him), almost passed out, and got immediately out at the next stop. It was so sick. And so sad. He was still there when we happened to see the same train the next day. I hope he's not dead or somehting!!!

Sunday was a bit more productive, but only a bit. It was an absolutely beautiful day, as we've been lucky to have almost every day this fall. I'm dreading when the rain will start again, because this has been perfect. We went and watched the New York City Marathon for a little while and it was amazing. So inspiring to watch those people finish a marathon. We barely saw the winners because even after running 26.2 miles they were still running so fast you could barely see them. We missed Lance Armstrong, but I saw him on TV so I'll pretend we were still there when he passed where we were standing in the park. Then last night we intended to stop by a super gay birthday party at a friend's in Chelsea. Well the cosmopolitans just happened to be really good, and also just happened to be extremely strong. And I had a few too many. It was a long trip home. Believe me. And today was not so fun. I was being punished for having too much fun, so now NO FUN ALLOWED.

We did finally have our picnic in the park today. And we were graced with some gorgeous leaves and sunshine.