Always just a step behind...

Grad school's hard. That's basically all there is to that. You would think this would all be just common sense- after all, I've basically been doing this since I was a baby either as a performer or a producer or a leader or all of the above. But somehow, despite the hours I'm spending reading instead of getting a job, and as hard as I try to comprehend everything we're learning, when I get to class I feel like I just can't put it all together. I can't see the big picture or understand what my professors are trying to get me (and the rest of the class) to say. All I want is to say something really insightful, something that will indicate to my professors, and to myself, that I do after all belong here and that I just may have the mind that higher learning exists for. But right now, it's just hard. So I'll keep doing my reading, and start to throw myself into the research that I'm apparently already behind on, and analyzing all about how group projects work, and still apply for jobs every day, and somehow I'll come out ahead. Sometime soon, hopefully it will all start to make a little more sense..

Funny stories- could be titled "How not to get a date in New York City"... Here's scene #1:
Place: Citibank ATM's, I'm standing minding my own business waiting for Eric to get some cash...
Middle-Aged Man: So, I just can't get over this pink money
Me: [shocked blank, are you talking to me? face] uhhhhh....heee heee....yeah.....
Middle-Aged Man: I mean what are they going to think of next? Is it really working??
Me: uhhhhhh....heee heeee....I don't know
This continues for several minutes while Middle-Aged Man obviously is hoping that something he says might spark my interest so that I might you know go right to the bars with him or something like that I guess....

Scene #2:
Place: NYU library, printing station, I'm about to go into the printing room
Nerdy Boy: Excuse me, are you from the midwest?
Me: [looking around, seeing who is being addressed, realizing it's me] UHHHHHH....noooooo...Colorado...
Nerdy Boy: Oh, well I could tell you weren't from New York.
Me: [so annoyed and insulted] uhhhhh
Nerdy Boy: You just don't have that New York thing, it's ok....
Me: uhhhhhhh......
Nerdy Boy: So what do you do....oh I'm real estate....
Me: [growing ever more suspicious and annoyed that I'm not printing and reading] arts administration [what's it to ya, buddy...]
Nerdy Boy: oh huh huh I'm Hugh, your name is again? [cut cut cut for reasons of boredom in reading this] So since you're new, you want to, uh, hang out, uh, or something....
Me: ummmmm
Nerdy Boy: Ok well you go do what you need to do, I'm going to get my information for you

So he goes away to get his dossier or something and I go about my printing business and have almost escaped when he finds me and hands me this little scrap piece of paper just scribbled on. And says:
So, uh, do you want to,uh, give me your e-mail or something
Me: Uhhhh....ummmm....okayyyyyyy
And, because I never really had to learn the art of tactful let down and don't really know what to do in awkward situations like this, I gave him my e-mail! But, don't worry, I didn't write my last name, or put my e-mail that I use, or give him my phone number....
Nerdy Boy aka Hugh: So, I'll, uh, e-mail you Friday morning and see what you're doing this weekend....
And then he scampered away!!

So awkward! So sad! So not how you should try to get a girlfriend! But maybe this is just how it's done, and I luckily don't have to play that game, or really care to remember anything like it!

Also, we saw a big clown doll laying in the trash today. It was scary. It was dead or something...

Have I ever told you about our trash pile?

We have this trash pile that lives on our street. Sometimes it is filled with furniture, like 25 chairs, for example, and sometimes it has gigantic bags full of rotten beans that the pigeons just love, but it ALWAYS has huge piles of identical long black plastic bags that look exactly like body bags. And sometimes, you just feel a little wierd when you realize that you walk by these plastic bags everyday that look exactly like body bags and you don't know at all what's really inside of them....

But then today there was MAJOR excitement at the trash pile. We went outside to go do some reading (surprise surprise) in Central Park and there's approximately 4 fire trucks and 20 firemen just hanging out on our street, very near the trash pile. And all the firemen were wearing their full gear, and there was police and ambulances and more firetrucks down the street, but no one seemed to be in a real state of panic and have any urgency. They were just kind of strolling down the street towards what I thought might be a disaster of some kind. Never found out what the emergency was- these things happen a lot around here I guess- but that was some big excitement...

Sometimes here it all of a sudden just smells so much like cakes...such tasty cakes....and then you turn the corner and the NUTS FOR NUTS man is standing there with his cart full of tasty nuts!! I'm always a little disappointed that it's nuts, not cakes, but it just always smells really great...

[I'm tired...insert your own clever title here]

I'd like to say "What a weekend!" but strangely I can't even remember what we did...and it's not like we were having crazy parties or anything, it's just that time moves so differently here - like a different reality or something- that days seem longer and quicker at the same time. I guess that's what they mean when they say "a New York minute"- it's a piece of time that can't exist in any other place on Earth. But let's try to think back...Friday I spent a good part of the day applying for jobs. Good for me. Then Eric and I lived it up for the first time in a while and found an awesome bar near NYU and went to happy hour. It was so great! And I felt so cool- out on a Friday afternoon, drinking $3 cocktails (this is VERY cheap, believe me...), eating 20 cent chicken wings on BLEECKER Street. By the way, you cannot order, say 4 chicken wings if you're feeling like having a light snack. They have a 10 wing requirement, and they won't let you take any home. So be prepared. But they're really good. And it's still only $2 for 10, so you don't really feel bad at all about that...

Later that night, about when I though it was time for bed, I was required to get out of my pajamas for an adventure out to a sports bar with some of Paul's friends. We were quite a picture: a couple actresses, several gays, myself- all messy and tired, and Eric, trying to fit in at a sports bar where the main activity is beer pong. For those of you unfamiliar with beer pong, it's a completely ridiculous, embarassingly fun game in which you try to throw ping pong balls into plastic cups filled with cheap beer so the other team has to drink a lot. Very popular with frat boys and, apparently, former New York City frat boys and frat boy wannabes.

Saturday was fairly uneventful (read: filled with homework), although we did venture over to 5th Avenue- a frightening adventure, particularly on a Sunday afternoon- and made our way through the crowds to Express where we encountered an extremely overzealous saleswoman. We also smelled a lot of pee and horse poop. It's too bad. It's a pretty nice area. I think Central Park has something to with it...

Today was just reading. Literally. Ok, reading and exercise. But mostly reading.

We also noticed that the sky was purple and pink and it looked amazing between these 2 buildings that were reflecting light blue. Really beautiful.

I was going to post more pictures, but this is too long already and I have to go to sleep because it's back to the workaday job of finding a job tomorrow. And I'm serious now. No more kidding around...Besides, I have a lot more reading to do too....

Theater of the Absurd

Well, I've had all my classes now, and this last one's really something. Let me try to set the stage for you: We get into the room, and the professor is standing in the front and he does not look like much fun at all. He's just standing there, never smiling, and staring at us like we're some kind of strange experiment or something.

But then he spoke.

And suddenly he became this little pudgy British man whose every other word is "um...um" (which, by the way, is suddenly spoken extremely loudly) and who tends to mumble, and then giggle to himself, as if those little mumbles were a secret joke just for him. He's rather jolly, really.

So, the class is called "Managing Organizations" and so far it could probably be titled "How to have group projects". I'm not really sure what we were supposed to learn today, but I do know that this class is basically the perfect avenue for people who really like to hear themselves talk to say things that really don't need to be said. But that's the whole class, basically. Just people talking. And some of us wondering what on earth is going on. My group, which is what this whole class is going to be based on I think (awesome.), decided it might be better to hit Happy Hour before class. And there we can talk about our worries, past experiences, and personal problems, which apparently is the secret to success in group projects.

Now combine this general atmosphere with the stomping that began on a floor above us about halfway through class (tap dance? Stomp? a giant fight?) and constant giggling as people count how many times jolly Prof. Dunbar says "UM....UM" per minute, and you have the makings of an extremely strange evening.

Just when I thought the night was coming to an end and that it couldn't possibly get more ridiculous Paul just brought me some news:

He was going to his apartment and getting his mail and the hall was completely filled with smoke. All of a sudden, 2 guys that work here burst in to an apartment and Paul saw that there was another guy and then he saw that there was this woman just sprawled out on the floor!! And the apartment and hall are filled with smoke! So the guys start yelling at this woman "COVER UP COVER UP" and "You fell asleep on the floor and the stove's on and now everything's burning!" And then I think Paul ran away as fast as he could. Um...UM...Excuse me- what is going on here tonight????

And live rejoicing every day...

So I think that one of the things I'm learning to like most about New York is how you can find beauty in the most unexpected of places. This afternoon I was waiting for the subway to go downtown to school and as I was waiting in the crowded, hot station, I suddenly heard the most amazing voices singing "Oh Happy Day". Now usually when I see or hear crazy musicians attempting to make money by playing the saw or singing along to a a disco CD I imperceptibly (so as not to offend anyone) shake my head and walk on by. But today, I really wanted to know who these people were that could sing like that. Because, it was amazing. When I got to where they were, I saw that it just three ladies, standing in the middle of the platform just clapping and singing away as if there was nothing they would rather be doing in the entire world. Like their entire heart's happiness was wrapped up in this one song. And the amazing thing was the other people waiting for the train weren't on their cell phones or reading their New York Times or yelling at their kids- they were standing completely still, listening. I don't know if it's because I'm a little too emotional sometimes, but I was truly moved. And you know what, I had a happy day. I don't think you could not have a happy day after hearing that.

Home Again Home Again Jiggety Jog

It was a tough week. But somehow things are still fine. They're good even.

I had to go home over the weekend suddenly because my grandma's sick. I was overcome with sadness and hated that I had to go home for such a heartbreaking reason, but once I got there I remembered why my family is the most amazing group of people in the world. And I knew why it was that I had to be there too. Even in a time when we could have been sad and full of self-pity, we were together, so we were laughing. Even my grandma. How wonderful, even if bitterly ironic, is it that something so terrible can make something so heartwarming like bringing a whole family together happen at a time when everyone might need it? I don't know what I expected going home last weekend, but I do know that I left feeling hopeful, and full of the knowledge that my family sticks together and that we always will no matter what. And my grandma's doing better. She has to have hope. Just like we all do. So just keep hoping.

It was very hard to come back here yesterday. Not only had I had a good weekend with my family (and I always feel like the most important thing is to be with them), but I also realized while I was gone that I haven't been in New York long enough to know what I like about it. So when I left, and not only left, but went back home, it was just too easy to forget why I like it at all. As I was coming back, I was dreading it- the crowds, the mean people, the rain, the mice...I couldn't even think of any reason why I was so close to feeling like this is really my home. It's weird how it's harder now. But I guess I just have to keep rolling along, day by day, and hopefully it really will seem like home. I think this is all just pretty tough.

Eric did buy me flowers yesterday- lilies, my favorite- so now my apartment smells like lilies, and not at all like a breeding ground for mice. Those little things make any day better.

Speaking of mice- after Eric's horrible battle over the weekend in the War of the Rodents, we have not seen or caught a mouse in 2 days. It's a record and I slept soundly last night. Cross your fingers for 2 nights in a row!

Today I had my first class in the formidable STERN SCHOOL OF BUSINESS....From how they prepared us for classes at STERN, you'd think it was like academic boot camp or something. I'll admit that I was a little intimidated when I walked in the fancy building, and had to navigate through all the pinstripe suits, blazers, high heels, and nylon- wearing business students--hold on- is dressing in business attire normal for business students or is this just a special STERN elitist thing? If it's normal then fine, but if not then I personally think these people should get over themselves...But I somehow made it to my marketing class, and it was not at all like what we were prepared for. The professor is completely laid back, there are no group projects (FINALLY!), and we spend some time making fun of Stern students. Perfect! I think it will be just fine. One more class and then I'll officially be on my way in my first semester...I realized tonight that one defining feature of grad students is that they like to hear themselves talk. Not one of my favorite personal features, but one that I may have to pretend to adopt in order to be succesful at this juncture of my studies...

I did make one scene this week- before I left for Colorado, I had to go to the NYU library, but I had all my stuff with me- suitcase and computer bag. Welllll, I first of all had to carry all of that down into the subway and then throughout the city, but then I had to get in the library. And, don't worry, I definitely tried to get through the revolving doors, and DEFINITELY got stuck. Oh man. I don't even want to know how many people were laughing at me. But I just tried and tried again until I finally made it in and then proceeded to drag my big suitcase all through the library. But you're not a true New Yorker until you're really great at making scenes, so I certainly am on the right track.

"Hope is a good thing. Maybe the best of things. And no good thing ever dies."
The Shawshank Redemption

The art of how and why

In a haze of sadness, how do you continue to always be hopeful?
In the rush of tears, how do you find the energy to laugh?
In a time when your heart breaks for yourself and those you love, how do you keep doing what you do?

How do you have your first "I live in New York and thus I go to the theatah" experience and go see a ridiculous musical based on the ridiculous horror movie "The Children" where everyone is always yelling and singing so high and fake body parts are being tossed at you from backstage?

How do you go to a very trendy bar and have a very trendy drink with the very trendy cast from this ridiculous musical?

How do you eat Taco Bell in the middle of Tuesday night in Penn Station and notice that it's still full of people all waiting to go somewhere?

How do you wake up full of happiness simply because you will get cable and internet and daily life will finally be right again?

How do you spend an entire day in the library struggling through "Performing Arts- The Economic Dilemma" and getting yelled at by girls who are a little too uptight and can't seem to work in a place where there is even the slightest bit of noise? (If you ask me, if you can't type on the computer without a little background noise, you probably shouldn't be in college. If you ask Paul, those same people should be killed or something. I suppose we could go somewhere in between...)

How do you almost get stuck in a bathroom stall right before class and not panic too much?

How do you sit in class for 5 hours and attempt to learn more than you ever thought a person could learn about arts administration in the span of 5 hours?

How do you realize that you now ride on the subway and walk the streets of Manhattan and weave through the crazy people and observe the various styles of clothes and slyly watch and be slightly nervous of the rappers that make their way through the subway car, just as if you'd lived here forever?

How do you notice that sometimes the sidewalks literally look like they're made of diamonds because they sparkle so much in the streetlights?

You just do.
I do.
Because I have to.
Because it's what I do.